My brain, books and loniness (book, TV and movie spoilers may be inside, read at your own risk)

So, yeah, I'm re-reading a book (only the second time I'm reading it). I'm enjoying it, quite a bit, but I'm approaching the start of the main plot (even though I'm several chapters in, the book has been teasing the subplot as the main plot, even as far as the end of the first book).

Why is that a problem? A bit of non-specific backstory (though I'm sure some people can probably identify the series). Due to natural disaster, the world as we know it is gone. Much of the sky is blocked out in an ashy cloud, triggering a massive "volcanic" winter. Technology is gone, agriculture is all but gone, few farm animals are alive and society is in the shitter. Some people band together for cooperation and support, others to prey on the weak.

The first book has the protagonist separated from his family and covers his journey to reach them. He comes into contact with various other people (some friendly, some not, some murderous and cannibalistic). He meets a girl, they fall for each other, and she ends up joining him on his quest to rejoin his family. Eventually, after several inches-from-death moments, they make it. Problem? His family isn't all there, his parents took off shortly after the disaster to go find him.

Book two starts a few months later as our hero and his girlfriend/lover/lifepartner/soulmate, following a clue that they came across from a group of roaming bandits (evil dudes who rape, kill and pillage), take off to find his parents.

Here's the hard part. They get separated. While trying to fight off one of the gangs, the girlfriend is shot and falls off a highway overpass onto a vehicle operated by the gang and our hero is alone, heartbroken and devastated. He has no idea if she's alive or dead or if this gang was one of those cannibalistic gangs he's been hearing about. His biggest fear being, in searching for his parents, not knowing if they're alive or dead, that he would lead his love to her death.

Now, I've read it before, I know what happens, I know that they find each other and end up safe (well, as safe as a post-disaster world with cannibal gangs and most people having an "everyone for themselves" mentality can be), but still, it's hard to read that part.

I get the same feeling from the last few episodes of Chuck (the ones involving Nicholas Quinn, Sarah uploading the faulty Intersect and having the memories of the last 5 years essentially erased). I mean, we spent so much time watching Chuck and Sarah finally admit their feelings for each other and to actually take that step to be together, through almost-moments, near death experiences and even a period where they end up together at the end of one season only to start the next broken up and the furthest from each other emotionally as they could be, to repairing their friendship only to see other people. They finally get together, they even get married, but can they have 5 minutes of peace and quiet just to enjoy it? Nope.


After the Volkoff mission (and the Volkoff-daughter mission), Chuck and Sarah end up with the liquidated assets of Volkoff Industries (turns out Volkoff was an Intersect-implanted personality as part of a CIA/MI6 joint mission that went haywire and Volkoff was actually a close friend to Chuck's father, and was part of the team that actually developed the original Intersect) they're out of the CIA, Chuck had the intersect forcibly removed (turns out that and their firing were part of a plan by Daniel Shaw as one last attempt at vengeance which occupies the first half of season 5) and have decided to use their skills and experience (and near billion-dollar bank balance) to start their own private security/investigation firm (basically, private-sector spies for hire). Oh, and Morgan temporarily gets a bad Intersect upload (meant for Chuck) that starts wiping his memories as he uses it. It gets removed, but not without some permanent memory loss.

Meanwhile, Chuck and Sarah are slowly discovering how emotionally exhausting and family-incompatible life as spies (private or government) is, and are looking to get out of the business and move into something a little more family friendly (they come to the realization that they both REALLY want to start a family, kids and all, eventually). Of course, they end up with one last mission. What does that involve? Recovering a pair of Intersect glasses from the hands of a former-CIA agent who went rogue. Sounds easy, right? Hah.


They get the glasses, but Mr. Quinn (the rogue former agent) captures Chuck and ransoms him for the glasses. Sarah, despite knowing they're the same version as the ones that messed with Morgan's brain, uploads it into her head in order to get herself and Casey out of certain death. Quinn eventually captures Sarah, forces her to flash (and thus wiping her memory of everything about her time with Chuck), and ends up convincing her that he's a good guy and Chuck is a rogue agent with a kill order on him.

Eventually the truth comes out, Sarah realizes that she's been played, that her life with Chuck wasn't an act or a cover, that it was real, but that she doesn't feel it. It's someone elses life, essentially. So, she leaves Chuck (not knowing how to be the girl he knows) and goes after Quinn (who discovered a device that was a part of the original Intersect design that was meant to avoid all the brain-melty parts the recent Intersect versions have been plagued with). Chuck eventually pairs up with her after her first attempt fails, and he tries to jog her memory (with limited success, but with some actual success, just some very minor things, but things that show that her life with Chuck isn't necessarily completely gone). Eventually, Quinn assembles the "perfect" Intersect, Chuck and Sarah reach him before he can use it, they kill Quinn and recover it. Turns out that this Intersect could restore Sarah's lost memories, but because of the design, the device could only be used once before frying the circuitry and Chuck needs the Intersect to defuse a bomb planted in a concert hall currently being attended by several high-ranking military personnel.

So, Chuck uses it, saves the day but had to sacrifice getting the love of his life back in order to do it. The team is disbanded (Sarah goes to "find herself", Casey goes to hook up with his adversary/girlfriend and Chuck is left alone).

Chuck decides to track her down one last time for one last attempt at keeping her in his life (in whatever form he can), and finds her at the very same beach Sarah found Chuck at in the very first episode after their first mission (there are a lot of parallels in this episode to the first, kind of a full-circle concept). She's not sure WHY that beach means something, but she knows it does. So, Chuck talks with her, explains that he knows that the memories are effectively gone and that he's not expecting to be able to pick their relationship back up where they left it, but that the most important thing for him was that she trust him and not completely cut him out, that however she needs him, he'll be there. Sarah asks Chuck to tell her their story, and by the end, though she doesn't remember, it seems like she's willing to give it a shot and see if they can rebuild what they lost.

That's another thing that, while it ends on a positive note, the low point is such a kick in the nuts it's hard to watch. I mean, CAN'T THESE PEOPLE JUST BE HAPPY FOR ONCE?

You've got Chuck and Sarah, Alex and Darla, Buffy and Spike, Angel and Cordelia, Mal and Inara, Eragon and Arya. I mean shit, if it's not one thing, it's another. 

I'm not exactly sure why I feel this way, or maybe I do. Maybe it has something to do with my own complete lack of relationship success. Maybe it's me living vicariously through these fictional characters. Maybe it's the thinking that if these pairings, whom are obvious soulmates (if you believe in that type of thing) can't end up together, with something always coming inbetween them, what hope does a normal guy like me have?

Yeah, I don't know. Twenty-nine year old virgin here, so what do I know. Maybe I look for relationships like what these characters have because I'm getting to the point where I think I'll never have something like they do (or even a fraction of what they have). If I haven't experienced even a part of it by now, maybe it's too late, and that the best I can hope for are these fictional characters?



I should see a shrink (and a dietitian and a personal trainer), but damn, they can be expensive.

April 22, 2013

I don't want to go to sleep.

I don't want to go to sleep because that'll mean tomorrow will come sooner.

I don't want tomorrow to come sooner because I don't want to face tomorrow.

Tomorrow will just be more of the same. Trying to find a job, trying to get welfare to help me afford to live till I get a job (not that I'd want to EVER be on it, but I don't really have a choice at the moment), dealing with having no money.

Tomorrow will be me dealing with living at my father's place. A place that will never feel like home no matter how much he tries.

I just got back from a week at my sister's. Some job hunting mixed with just getting away from my "normal" life and I can't believe how much more relaxed I was up there. I felt like I wasn't completely in the rut I'm in, that my life wasn't completely fucked.

But, can't exactly stay there long term. As comfy as her couch is, it's no bed. So, I'm back "home" (I have no real home, just a place to crash and eat). I've been home for maybe 7 hours and I'm already wishing I was away again.

There's not really much I can do about that except get a job (or, you know, win the lottery).

Fuck.

Well, today I was officially kicked out of my mom's house. It's not like I wanted to be there, I've just been unemployed for too long and mom wasn't exactly happy with my progress (despite applying to hundreds of positions each month). Didn't help that my physically disabled uncle is a complete douchebag, lives with her and took personal offence to my being unemployed. He felt like it was important to make sure my mother knew how much my unemployment annoyed him.

Thus, I get the boot. It's understandable, and I should be out on my own by this point, BUT, I would've liked a little warning, maybe have some time to find a more appropriate place. I'm sure I'll look back on this as the turning point where I finally got my life together (at least, I'm really hoping that this is the moment, otherwise I'm fucked), but still, not the greatest moment in a guy's life.

As it is, I packed a couple bags of clothes and necessities and made for my dad's place.

Now, don't get me wrong, I love my dad, but he's not exactly the easiest person to live with. Especially for an unemployed guy in desperate need for a job. A little to easy going.

So, my quest is to get a job, preferably in a different city, so I can get away from my family and really be on my own. As far as what kind of job, I'm not to particular. Just something with decent pay and steady hours that will help me pay the bills and maybe let me take some courses at night. Maybe start getting my way into the whole professional writing gig.


I need to do something creative. Something to get these ideas out of my head. I feel like if I don't, these ideas will be stuck up there and I'll end up going crazy. I don't know if I want to get into novel writing, whether I want to try my hand at scriptwriting (be it film, stage or television) or what. Maybe I'll do a bit of each, depending on what I end up writing.

One thing I always get whenever I read or watch something (especially when the endings are left open) is "What happens next". What happens to an immortal hero, who's story takes place in a world much like medieval Europe, if his world follows the same progression as ours? For example, Eragon from Chris Paolini's Inheritance Cycle. He and his sentient dragon Saphira exist in a world technologically equivalent to Arthurian England, and they are expected to live forever. How will this young man and his dragon companion deal with the evolution of science and technology? How would they deal in their world's equivalent to 21st Century New York or Tokyo? How would their relationship change? How would they deal with space travel and if their responsibilities required them to travel to other worlds?

Or what happens to the crew of Destiny, from Stargate Universe? We last see the crew as they load themselves into stasis pods for a three-year uninterupted jump between galaxies (in order to avoid a "race" of automated battle drones bent on destroying all technology except their own)? The character of Eli ends up volunteering to stay out of stasis when the last pod is found faulty, and is given two weeks to attempt repairs before the ship loses too much power to make the jump. Do they make it? Does Eli repair the pod? How does the crew deal with Destiny's original mission (identifying and decoding evidence possibly pointing to  organized design in the creation of the Universe, based on a signal found in the background radiation dating back to the Big Bang).

Or PAM STOP READING HERE! CHUCK SPOILERS ABOUND!!!!!




What about Chuck? Casey's left to go be with Verbanski. Alex has moved in with Morgan (in Casey's old apartment). Jeff and Lester are touring Europe. And Chuck and Sarah were last seen on the beach reconnecting after Sarah's memory loss. Does Sarah remember anything? Does she remember actual events from her life with Chuck or does she just remember emotions but not the events that produced them (eg. she can't remember WHY being with Chuck feels rright, just that it does)? How does that affect their relationship? Does she decide to stay or does she still need to leave Burbank for a while? Does she go alone or does Chuck join her (maybe try their European tour from S3 for real)? If Chuck stays home, does Sarah use it as a "home base"? If she stays, do they keep Charmichael Industries going (as the anti-cyber-terrorism/crime outfit they were planning)? Do they get the house? Do they have kids? 





CHUCK SPOILERS END HERE!!!

So, I have all these questions in my head, and I start coming up with these possible outcomes. Some of these I evolve into more original ideas that don't really have much of a link to the original inspiration, some of these remain "fan fic". 

Sometimes, when reading a book or watching a show or movie, right in the middle I come up with different ways the character could handle various scenarios. Different choices, different things to say, things like that. Hell, there are times where I stop reading, or pause the video, and act out my version and whow it would affect the rest of the existing story. 



So, yeah, where was I? That's right, kicked out of my home, trying to find a job, and trying to figure out how long I'm going to be in my current place of residence before I can move on properly. 

Oh, and I just started watching Chuck for the fifth time in a month. Why? Because there's nothing on TV, all my DVD's and my external hard drive with my downloaded and ripped shows/movies are still at my former domicile, and pretty much all I've got on my laptop is Chuck, Fringe season 5 (just watched that, but I don't have the rest of the  series) and Flashpoint Season 4 (which I finished watching yesterday). Besides, Chuck is awesome. Yvonne Strahovski is hot (and Sarah is probably one of my favourite characters in the last few years from any show/movie, very well written and acted). Adam Baldwin (a.k.a. John Casey, a.k.a. Jayne Cobb from Firefly, a.k.a. Animal Mother from Full Metal Jacket) is his usual combination of badass jokester. 

Chuck is the type of guy I wish I could be. Starts out the series as me (and many other guys), awkward, nerdy, smart and a giant underachiever, but finds his place in the world and the woman he's supposed to experience it with and makes the best of it. 

So yeah, that's today, that's me, and we'll see what tomorrow brings.




I need a haircut.